New Category For The Old Ceremony

Recently I started re-reading my old Bump & Hustle blog plosts. I've been writing it since 2010 and the journey covers a lot of ground. It's tone and content has shifted so many times, with stories about being a new mother, smatterings of small business, sharing my fertility journey, my general health, my marriage evolution and memories of our homes... and always with '5 tips' here and there! Of course there are generous sprinkles of outdated brand collabs before 'collabs' as a word were a thing.

As I read it, I am reparenting myself with my own words and stories. I am remembering who I am, and how I thought. I had forgotten so much of my life. I had forgotten how I felt when certain things unfolded. There is a satisfying reconnection of me with my past, even as I let go of the stories I no longer need. It's been so long and I've been so removed that there are now many pleasing moments where I stop and feel like just the reader and not the writer - the words staying as words and not exercises in 'how I could have crafted it differently.' As I read through the years it feels familiar and new all at once, and it is part of me I want to share. Again.

I am currently working on importing the posts to this site, combining everything together as an archival treat. Maybe not all of them will be in the spotlight, but a warm curation of 'The Early Years' will be featured under their own category or tag.

I had a bit of a rollercoaster experience a few years ago, thinking that I'd lost the entire blog, and then to my relief I was actually able to find an older back up and upload the archive posts to the site - not before I'd published a dramatic 'POOF, 10 years of my writing is gone' post on the new site. It all adds dimension and flavour to the ride, doesn't it?

Turns out there are only 2 years of old B & H posts unaccounted for, and I'm pretty sure those weren't the most consistent of blog posting times for me as I'd started my daily Instagram infatuation, so I'm sure no one is missing too much. I'm going to be excited to slowly see the old blog version posts mingling with the 2nd version of the blog's pandemic posts and this new blog's iteration of me. I'm excited to celebrate the big picture:

That all together this makes 15 years of Bump & Hustle.

Of course as a writing practice or blog commitment it wasn't 15 years straight, but dotted lines. There were spots where I didn't post or where I was posting in other places, creating other things like social content instead, or working on big projects, and it just became too much for me to write at my blog every week or even at all it turns out. Still I enjoy going over my storytelling timeline, remembering why I peppered certain months with posts and why certain months lay barren...Why certain years look like quantum lace.

I've realized so much about myself as I revisit these life stories; during this process of reintegration.

I've realized that I've always processed externally - a large part of me healing through storytelling, by hitting the publish button, or by relating and releasing through staying vulnerable.

I’ve realized that taking breaks is a big thing for me. It's also essential for me. I either need to choose to take them or plan for them, or my body will force one on me, and the burnout it determines will be exquisite.

I've realized that a break is valid whether it's 5 mins or 5 years, and I deserve to honour my recovery, my abilities and my pace without comparison to anyone else, and without judgement. We all do.

I've learned that stepping away from my writing to protect my health is not synonymous with ghosting, or being inconsistent. It's my own story, and my own interval.

I've learned that the stress and anxiety I have felt in moments of not posting regularly need to be replaced with mindfulness, compassion, and healing - all expectations removed.

I realized that I always eventually go back to the same things that bring me joy and make me whole, even though I may not be the same person, or do things the same way. I do this every time I have had to take a break, without fail. In this life, I will always go back to storytelling. It's a part of me. I may be worried in the moment that it's left me, but even in exceptionally hard times, where my abilities have been put on pause, the physics of who I am will propel me uphill until expression finds me again.

I have realized that no matter what, I believe that I will find a way.

I have learned that each story is a facet of something bigger. A fathomless scale, until I see it looking down from a vantage point that only comes with time, or stepping away, or both.

I've learned that looking at my big picture - the old stories and the new, the history and this new progress, the breaks, and even the technical mistakes and fixes I've made - is a beautiful metric to see how far I've come.

How much I've grown.

How much I've become myself.

I've learned that after all this time, and whoever reads this in the end, I'm excited to hit publish and keep going.