Perfect Doesn't Exist, But Co-Parenting Does: Why Family Is A Verb

Years ago, my ex-husband and I used to talk about how we were going to come through our divorce. We were going to write a book together about how to do it right. I was going to keep blogging on the topic. Maybe he would do a podcast episode with me about it. We could help people. We would be transparent and stay open in our relationship. We would always be friends. We would actively co-parent every step of the way.

We aimed high, and I'm glad we did. Our separation agreement was written by us, reflexively; taking extra time to outline what we thought was truly the best for our child, granting me sole custody but giving access to both of us, with the understanding that my ex worked tirelessly as an entrepreneur. We worked hard to go over each aspect of parenthood, and let the flow of life organically fill in the rest of the blanks so transitions were as natural and fair as could be.

I really wanted to write that book with him. I think it would have been great. We stayed separated for years, putting our child first, communicating every day, even while dating our significant others. We were in no rush to finalize the divorce papers, just in getting them right. I even had another child with my new partner before we finalized the divorce. We all became close as co-parents and friends - drop offs often meant coffees and catch ups, birthday parties were joyful blending events of partners and kids. My ex and my partner sitting together laughing, talking, my new baby on my ex's knee hugging him tightly; my daughter calling my new partner 'Daddy'. We worked together easily as I still had a role in his business. We were all friends, and I remember the first time my husband told my ex in bro tones that he loved him. I remember joint Thanksgivings dinners, and Christmas parties where my dad still talked and laughed with my ex. We were proud that years later we were all family, just reconfigured; with different, more respectful boundaries. We were always evolving and growing and we were figuring it out as as we went, but yes, we were definitely proud and grateful for the opportunity to have figured something out.

Years later, when the world shut down during the pandemic everyone got a little closer. While my immediate family was challenged with sharing physical space, and carrying each other morale-wise, mental health definitely became a massive focus inside and out of the house. My children were seriously feeling the impact of being locked down, as well as the anxiety and depression of isolation. My ex was going through a ton, he was working hard to keep his business going and was freshly between relationships. To top it off, he wasn't even able to visit as much as he wanted to due to quarantine after travel. I had shifted to home-schooling, taking on extra social media contracts, while my Crohn's and MCTD, Fibromyalgia and migraines had started flaring uncontrollably. My husband was working non-stop, trying to create balance but he was constantly feeling the strain. We were all exhausted in our own camps but we kept trying; kept evolving.

We all pulled together for the kids, and for each other.

My ex and I recognized that we had to do something and called for a therapist primarily for our kid, for ourselves; for the family. We did a form of integrated family counselling that helped us over a period of almost 2 years, until things naturally took more of an individual focus. Until we could draw from learned strategies and tools, and keep moving forward.

Keep evolving.

Regardless of how riddled with coordination exhaustion, eye-rolls and misunderstandings any co-parenting can be at times, our family model was sustainable during happy times and during hard times too. We were so glad as well that during this time, levity started to find us. As the world opened back up, it soon became easier to have more family events which made everyone happier, and my ex had met a lovely new partner, someone who we were all excited to welcome. With new love came new voices, new ways, new stories, new boundaries, new energies, and a new evolution.

I started looking at how we gained a new lens and how much I have learned about this family and myself in the past many years through this constant growth.

I have learned that I am proud to open my arms and heart, to help create safety and feelings of belonging. I've learned that I will always be inclusive. I have learned that over the last 14 years since we separated, not everyone can relate to how our extended family behaves, or grows, or how our broken marriage stayed amicable at all, and I get that. But for my amazing daughter's sake, I will never give up.

I have learned that looking back, life's stories change again and again, and as we review the narrative of our why, things flare, and calm down, and gradually reality may tell a very different story. And all this needs to be honoured when it comes up, at every turn. And all of this is ok.

I have learned that there are some people who while they have tons of love in their hearts, will never want to be part of the co-parenting, or the family. I have learned that not everyone can relate to a neutral narrative; that there must be a good and bad, a motive, a side - even if there is just a child being raised in friendship. I have learned that some are overwhelmed by being invited to family events. I've learned that even a simple act of inclusivity can feel inappropriate and in violation of boundaries; and acts of unintentional rejection can hurt deeply. And all of these scenarios, and feelings are valid. Because they have affected us all, and are part of what have made us, us. At times it makes us this dynamic family, even if we aren't sure we want to be part of it. At times, it puts us on the outside, but honoured together, nonetheless. All of these lessons and feelings have made us grow, have made me a better parent, and I am grateful for it, and for all involved.

My child's health and happiness is something I work around the clock for. I live for it. I think that's why I love our blended family even when others may not resonate with it. Even if they don't see themselves as a part of it. I feel like no matter where we stand, there is so much love to let in. I think that's why I'm the first to extend my hand to whoever is in my child's constellation and say 'Hi! I am here, and if you need me, I will always help.'

I have learned that not everyone might understand my past, my nature, my concept of family and our extended family, my boundaries, my willingness to stay flexible, or why I do things the way I do them...and that is all valid too. I have learned that I'm someone who thinks in a language of togetherness and accommodation- where the end goal of a holiday event or rite of passage or accomplishment is a celebration where we lift each other up.

I have learned that not everyone is familiar with a family like that. And that's ok - it's also valid. To be fair, I'm not familiar with a family like that. Bless them, my family didn't celebrate the way I do. But they gave me a foundation to learn how, so now I celebrate so my children and family can feel seen.

I've learned that co-parenting families are special even when they're difficult. It's not just a construct in a divorce agreement and it never will be. I am not just 'waiting for my kid to turn 21' to stop talking to my ex, and I hope no one else has a countdown on. This family is about building; connecting. This family is a verb to me. It's life. It's something I do and breathe. It's something I hope we all do. To me, it's not a static facsimile of 'this is how it needs to be' that I draw from, and it's not something that I have a notarized copy of. I am always actively living it, extending it, and feeling grateful for it. It's what's best for my child and my child's future - and now for both my beautiful children. I am always learning from it, and I am always feeling honoured by the wonderful people who are part of it.

The truth is though, as dynamic as it is, it's not easy. It's not perfect. Maybe as co-parents we will always aim too high. I work on this family every day. As a mom, I have cried a lot. Parenting is hard. Right now, my ex and I aren't as close as we were, and that's ok. As we evolve and change, communicating can get hard. Family can get hard. A soft distance can creep in and interrupt fluid movements that were once completely natural. My ex no longer talks to my husband or even my young son when he might have before. Drop offs and pick ups no longer mean coffees and catchups. We don't call each other any more. I tend to hesitate before I talk at all now, shutting down in the wake of unreturned texts and calls that have forged a new quiet boundary. I am happy at once for my ex and his new sense of private family, and at the same time, feel like I am perpetually overstepping soley by existing. I feel the loss of years where we were all casual and co-parenting together; I think of the cherished traditions that have been given up all together by the gentle passage of time - my husband and my ex will never take my daughter out trick-or-treating again like they used to, and at least it looks like for now they won't hang out for the coffees and chats like they used to either, while my daughter does her dance routines in the living room and we talk about the summer plans and schedules. There are no more shared Thanksgiving tables. No more family birthday parties. No more cottage visits. No more large Wednesday night family dinners. Not for now, anyways. Not yet.

Still none of this is negative. All of this is part of cyclical change and surges of healthy growth. I inhale again and respect the lulls of now, and as the forcefield readjusts, I can't help but feel the wish that all of us will know each other again, and can one day sit and share the joy of being, together.

This is part of the movement that is family.

This is part of the dance.

That is the cresting tide of family. That is what happens with growth.

I love my children to distraction, and I love my husband so much. I love the memories of my beautiful blended family. I love the future, and I believe in complete happiness for my ex and his lovely family. I believe in complete happiness for everyone.

I really believe in that growth.

With my kid having turned 16 this year, and a new year just starting, I've spent so much time thinking about how I raised her, with all the nurturing, equipping and loving around her - about the sheer amount of love she is surrounded by -about the ups and downs and the amount of encouragement she receives from the people in her Venn diagram of a family. It's incredible how many strong and amazing influences are around her, her 2 dads, her adoring brother... And I'm in awe of the beautiful, loving women surrounding her in this family. How she has powerful role models right in front of her on all sides. It's fantastic that she has cousins that she is close to and adores; aunts and uncles that she deeply loves, respects and admires. She is so truly blessed with my ex's Nana, my mom, and my husband's parents for 3 different loving kinds of grandparent hugs.

We are honoured in every waking moment with this dynamic family, and we might be closer some days than others, but pull or push, we are always moving.

We are always moving together.

We never did write that book, and we may never.

But we are living it, and even the notes in the margins are beautiful.